In honor of ELA TAKS

In honor of the ELA (English/Language Arts) TAKS testing today all over the state of Texas, I feel the need to re-post the "TAKS Severe Weather Protocol".  If you've never administered a TAKS test, you have missed out on what I call "extreme testing"...you've heard of "extreme sports", right?  Well, this pushes all of us to the limits (unfortunately) to test kids.  Today I get to spend 5 hours carefully watching students test, closely monitoring the floating of dictionaries and thesauri (yep, I'm even giving the correct plural of thesarus today) around the room, recording test booklet numbers to match with names, not getting to go to the bathroom or leave my room, carrying (and caring for tests) as if they are toddlers, and so on...you think I'm kidding?  Being dramatic?  I wish I were.  Last year we had a kid throw-up on his test (not in my testing room).  Downtown central office was immediately called.  An administrator was sent to our campus to handle the situation.  The state education offices in Austin were called.  Instructions were given.  The vomit-covered test was promptly bagged, throw-up and all, and sent over-night to Austin.  The student was removed from the classroom swiftly and immediately....but not for fear of his health or infecting others-because he had seen the test.  So, think about me today while I give this test and count booklets and match numbers until I'm blue in the face and continue the dehydration process that started last night so I don't wet my pants while giving the test-that could cost me my job.  For your entertainment....

1. Should a severe weather situation occur during testing, please remain calm. To display any kind of anxiety would be a testing irregularity and must be reported.
2. Please do not look out the window to watch for approaching tornadoes. You must monitor the students at all times. To do otherwise would be a testing irregularity and must be reported.
3. Should students notice an approaching tornado and begin to cry, please make every effort to protect their testing materials from the flow of tears and sinus drainage.
4. Should a flying object come through your window during testing, please make every effort to ensure that it does not land on a testing booklet or an answer sheet. Please make sure to soften the landing of the flying object so that it will not disturb the students while testing.

5. Should shards of glass from a broken window come flying into the room, have the students use their bodies to shield their testing materials so that they will not be damaged. Have plenty of gauze on hand to ensure that no one accidentally bleeds on the answer documents. Damaged answer sheets will not scan properly.
6. Should gale force winds ensue, please have everyone stuff their test booklets and answer sheets into their shirts...being very careful not to bend them because bent answer documents will not scan properly.
7. If any student gets sucked into the vortex of the funnel cloud, please make sure they mark at least one answer before departing...and of course make sure they leave their answer sheets and test booklets behind. You will have to account for those.

8. Should a funnel cloud pick you, the test administrator, up and take you flying over the rainbow, you will still be required to account for all of your testing materials when you land so please take extra precautions. Remember, once you have checked them out, they should never leave your hands.
9. When rescue workers arrive to dig you out of the rubble, please make sure that they do not, at any time, look at or handle the testing materials. Once you have been treated for your injuries, you will still be responsible for checking your materials back in. Search dogs will not be allowed to sift through the rubble for lost tests...unless of course they have been through standardized test training.
10. Please do not pray should a severe weather situation arise. Your priority is to actively monitor the test and a student might mark in the wrong section if you are praying instead of monitoring. I'm sure God will put war, world hunger, crime, and the presidential primaries on hold until after testing is over. He knows how important this test is.


P.S. Not to complain or anything, but this test-giving marathon is coming off of an ALL day training at Region 7 yesterday to be "official" to score TELPAS writing samples....OMG.  And I get to do a full week of TAKS test admin in April...that's a super marathon where I will probably lose my sanity.