Control Freak

I never thought of myself as a control freak before.  I always thought I could easily go with the flow, which I can in certain situations .  Looking back, I was usually in control....want good grades-study hard, want to be a better dancer-practice more, don't want to get in trouble-follow the rules, etc.  More and more I've noticed that I have the attitude of  "the only way it's going to get done right is if I do it myself."  I just don't trust people to follow through, so I don't delegate like I should (hello homecoming and style show).  I've never felt like I didn't have the ability to change the outcome of a situation, but I've had that feeling lately (as in the past year).  It's not just feeling like I don't have the ability to change the outcome of a situation, it's the firm knowledge that I don't have the ability to change the outcome of situations (ie: what I will be teaching, when I will have a baby, how sick I get, how much is piled on my plate by others, and other various stressors).  The less control I feel like I have over certain areas of my own life, the more I try to control other aspects and drive myself nuts because nothing seems to go like it needs to (or is supposed to in my mind).  I rarely tell people (no matter how close or distant) how stressed out I really am, how worried, or how hurt I really am because I feel like it doesn't, wouldn't, shouldn't, couldn't matter to them-they have their own stuff to deal with so why bother and why risk it being blown off as nothing.  Sometimes I feel like a duck on water-doesn't seem like much is going on above the water, but under the water the feet are working overtime.  I think the trigger for it all was finding out part of my teaching assignment would change for this year last summer 2-3 weeks before school started to a subject I had no desire to teach or confidence to teach-it was not and is not my area.  There was absolutely nothing I could do about it.  I tried and tried, but nothing.  I cried (to myself and another teacher who is one of the people who made survival of this year possible)...nothing.  It's even more frustrating to have someone say "I'm sure you could do something if you just tried harder."  You probably have some encouraging thoughts like "everything happens for a reason" and "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" and don't think I haven't thought it before....just like after my initial shock and horror I reverted to the mindset of "it won't be that bad.  I can do this".  However, by October I was trying to figure out how I would survive the year.  I'm still in a situation out of my hands and it makes me even more nervous and crazy.  I still have to wait for someone to make the decision for me about what I will be teaching next year....hopefully this time it will turn out in my favor.  I guess I will have to put my energy into collecting and organzing new materials for whatever I could possibly be teaching next year and organzing my room and continuing to keep records for student council and anchor club in the incredibly anal way I've done all year....and continue to look at that stupid calendar.  Something tells me I need to relax and take notes from my dog-take it easy and only stress out about the really important things.  Somewhere back there I know I have the faith it will all be ok, but that doesn't always quiet my fears.